how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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