The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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