I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
