textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
