I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
