Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
