You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
