my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
