OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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