i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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