so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
