So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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