Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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