Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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