I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
