Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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