The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
