You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
