Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
