Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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