Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
