Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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