When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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