I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
