He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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