There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
