Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need water and some morals
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
