Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
