Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
