Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
