Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
