omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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