had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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