WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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