Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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