I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Randomize
