Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
