just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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