Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
