I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
