I'm really into asian looking animals
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
