Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so let's talk penis.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
