My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
