Where did you get a picture of my penis
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
