I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
