Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
