I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
