So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
