sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
