I think I am morally bankrupt
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
