How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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