I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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